A few weeks ago I was reading a book called “The Collapse of
Parenting” by Leonard Sax. The book was rather alarming because it pointed to
some disturbing parenting trends coupled with a lack of discipline with respect
to our newer technology- screens and the internet. Leonard Sax is a
pediatrician and he bases his observations on thirty years of clinical practice
as well as citing studies in the medical literature. Some people say Sax approach to parenting is rather traditional, but I like it. Many of the
qualities Sax urges parents to instill in their children are qualities which
Islam and the Quran also value. SO my khutbah today will be an exploration of
three character traits which Leonard Sax says are crucial to the development of
healthy young adults and how these traits are manifested during Ramadan.
The first trait is perseverance. Sax believes if children
are not taught perseverance they become fragile children who turn into fragile
adults. Children need to learn that they may not succeed the first time they
try something, they may need to be patient and work harder to achieve goals, and
that their self worth is not built around easy success. He gives two examples,
one is a boy who plays video games all day and has a certain measure of
accomplishment doing this. His father suggests that he try out for the football
team. The boy does, but is told by the coach that he will have to lose 15
pounds, do a rigorous work out schedule and may not be on the starting team.
The boy decides not to try out and returns to his video games because that is
easier for him. The father lets the boy do so with the refrain, “He should do
what makes him happy.” This attitude is, Sax feels, bad parenting because the
boy is not learning perseverance. Another example is a girl who takes a
challenging AP Physics class. The girl had always gotten straight As and saw
herself as a stellar scholar. She started the AP Physics class and it was not
easy for her. She really had to struggle even to get a B. This experience
plunged her into a near catatonic state of depression because her whole
self-worth and identity had been built around this image of herself as the
super brainy student. This extreme reaction to a bit of challenge is what Sax calls “fragility”.
Does the Quran value perseverance? Yes it does, and I will
give some examples. Sometimes, the word used is “steadfast”.
"Seek Allah's help with patient perseverance and
prayer. It is indeed hard except for those who are humble." (2:45)
"Oh you who believe! Seek help with patient
perseverance and prayer, for God is with those who patiently persevere."
(2:153)
“Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and
hunger, some loss in goods, lives, and the fruits of your toil. But give glad
tidings to those who patiently persevere. Those who say, when afflicted with
calamity, 'To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return.' They are those on
whom descend blessings from their Lord, and mercy. They are the ones who
receive guidance." (2:155-157)
“Or assumed you that you would enter the Garden while God
has not yet know those who struggled among you and known the ones who remained
steadfast?” (3:142)
“Oh you who believe! Persevere in patience and constancy.
Vie in such perseverance, strengthen each other, and be pious, that you may
prosper." (3:200)
"Patiently, then, persevere - for the Promise of Allah
is true, and ask forgiveness for your faults, and celebrate the praises of your
Lord in the evening and in the morning." (40:55)
How does perseverance manifest itself during Ramadan? Well,
it seems self-evident, we have 30 days to fast. And at this time of year, the
days get slightly longer and it can be really hot outside. You have to be
careful and pace yourself because dehydration can be a real problem. Fasting is
about endurance, which isn’t terribly glamorous. It’s about hanging on with
sheer willpower, and that is tough. Ramadan is not just about fasting, it is
also supposed to be fasting while maintaining patience with others and having good
behavior. This is not easy when you are hungry and thirsty. It is really easy
to get angry and snap at people, much harder to maintain calm and have
patience. Also, with our schedules in the West, we often don’t get enough sleep
during the week and have to struggle doing our jobs while sleep deprived in
addition to being hungry and thirsty. Sometimes people can’t fast because of
medical or other health considerations. Sometimes people have to break a fast
for these reasons. Just because you can’t fast does not mean you are a bad
Muslim. Many people feel very guilty if they can’t fast, and they shouldn’t.
Your identity as a Muslim is not solely based on whether you can fast or not.
Don’t be a fragile Muslim.
The second quality good parents should teach their children
is self control. This character quality is reinforced by psychological research
which has shown that children who have the most self control, this is tested by
how long they can delay getting a reward (delayed gratification), these
children have the highest success in life as measured by education and income
levels.
A big problem with our Western technological society today is
that the internet and social media do not encourage self control. These
technologies encourage excess and binge-watching and instant gratification in the form
of “likes” and numbers of followers. Most of use grew up in environments where
television was only on for certain times of the day, and certainly, when
children’s programming was only a small portion of that time. Today, children have
access 24/7 to any show that appeals to their tastes and the only thing that
restricts them is parental authority. If parents do not implement rules and
restraint with regards to screen time, children will not learn self control.
Social media does not teach self restraint.
Does the Quran value self control or self restraint? Yes
does it, and I will give some examples but first some language and translation
caveats. Sometimes the language that is used is for self control is translated
as “purify” or “purification”. The other word that is used in Quran is “sabr”
which is translated in a variety of ways but typically as “God consciousness”
or “God fearing” but which I think you could interchange with self control or
self restraint.
"No one will be granted such goodness except those who
exercise patience and self-restraint, none but persons of the greatest good
fortune." (41:35)
“And as for him who fears to stand in the presence of his
Lord and forbids his own soul from its whims and caprices then surely Paradise
is the abode. (79:40-41)
“…and by the soul and what shaped it and then inspired it to
its acting immorally and God-consciousness. He who makes it (the soul) pure
prospers. Surely is frustrated whoever seduced it.” (91:7-10)
How does self control manifest itself during Ramadan. Well,
the Quran spells that out pretty clearly:
“O those who have believed! Formal fasting was prescribed
for you as it was presecribed for those before you so that perhaps you would be
Godfearing.” (2:183)
The final quality which Leonard Sax says parents need to
inculcate into their children is humility. Children need to know that they are
not necessarily the best at something, that the world does not revolve around
them or cater to their tastes. Humility is the building block to maturity and
acknowledging the needs of others as well as the community as a whole.
Again to bash our preoccupation with social media (creator of the "selfie": social
media encourages self promotion and self aggrandizement and pairs this activity
with a vision of self identity based on how many “friends” you have (quantity
over quality) or “likes” you get on your Facebook page.
Does the Quran value humility?
“The servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon
the earth in humility, and when the ignorant address them, they say words of
peace.” (25:63)
“Call to your Lord humbly and inwardly. Truly He loves not
the ones who are aggressors.” (7:55)
“Before thee We sent (apostles) to many nations, and We
afflicted the nations with suffering and adversity, that they might learn humility.
When the suffering reached them from us, why then did they not learn humility?
On the contrary their hearts became hardened, and Satan made their (sinful)
acts seem alluring to them.” (6:42-43)
I would also like to add a nice hadith I came across:
Abdullah ibn Mas’ud reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace
and blessings be upon him, said: “No one who has the weight of a seed of arrogance
in his heart will enter Paradise.”
Someone said, “Indeed, a man loves to have beautiful clothes and shoes.”
So the Prophet said,”Verily, Allah is beautiful and He loves beauty. Arrogance
means rejecting the truth and looking down on people.” Sahih Muslim 91
Does humility play a role in Ramadan? This is not as obvious
as the previous traits, but I think it does. I find it humbling that at the end
of the day, when we break our fast, we have pure clean water to drink and good
food to eat. Sadly, this is not the case in so many parts of this world. We
have been blessed by Allah in this regard. While fasting, it is humbling to
know how dependent my body is on food and water. I realize, pretty quickly,
that I have limits. I cannot”do it all”, and I must slow down. Some things in
Ramadan just don’t get done, and that is ok. I find it very humbling when
non-Muslims make a solidarity fast with me. They don’t have to fast, but they
see the value in fasting and they want to show they respect me and my religion.
I find it humbling when I drive by a sign in someone’s yard that says, “To our
Muslim neighbors, Blessed Ramadan”. For many people, who we are and how we
behave, our personal interaction with non-Muslims—that is their introduction to
Islam. It is a very humbling feeling to know that your behavior represents
Islam for those outside the religion.
In conclusion, Ramadan can be a great teacher. Ramadan can
instill in us the character qualities of perseverance, self control and
humility. These are not easy lessons by any means, but as Muslims who believe
in delayed gratification, we think these qualities will help us in this life
and in the next.
